Liverpool’s New Year’s Resolutions

(Don’t Take This Seriously, For Real)

By Bill Farnham

Now that the dust from the holiday fixtures has settled and I have a few minutes to think about what has transpired over the past year, I thought I might offer some encouragement to the Liverpool players and some additional folks in the form of potential New Year’s Resolutions. In no specific order, here we go…

1. Pepe Reina: I resolve to ask Rodolfo Borrell to strap me into a chair, clip my eyes open “Clockwork Orange” style and force me to watch film of myself in 2005 – 2007, when I won the Premier League Golden Gloves for most clean sheets three years running.

2. Raheem Sterling: My New Year’s resolution is not to father any more children out of wedlock before I’m at least 19, and to add a clause to my new contract giving me a 10 percent annual raise to account for increases in, ummm, the cost of higher education.

3. Luis Suarez: My New Year’s resolution is to not change a damn thing. No biting, no remarks that might offend other people, just to keep doing what I am doing, which is scoring for fun, oh, and to nutmeg Patrice Evra at least three times in the upcoming match against Manchester United (after I shake his hand).

4. Damien Comolli: I resolve to fulfill my lifelong ambition of working under Sir Alex Ferguson and to bring my extensive talents to bear assisting Manchester United in the transfer window.

5. Brendan Rodgers: My New Year’s resolution is to investigate whether or not my wrist watch is big enough to have its own gravitational field and to take the portrait of myself down and replace it with a picture of me holding a trophy that Liverpool has won on the field.

6. Jonjo Shelvey: I resolve to come up with a new goal celebration that doesn’t give small children nightmares.

7. Fabio Borini: I resolve to stop doing my Andy Carroll imitation and actually do something on the pitch. This year.

8. Stewart Downing: I resolve to forget that I came to Liverpool a year and a half ago and to pretend that my Liverpool career is just starting. I resolve to keep up this vein of form and start acting like I am a bona fide Premier League Player again. Or maybe I’ll sulk off to Middlesborough.

9. Sam Allardyce: I resolve NEVER to reveal what Brendan Rodgers promised me in exchange for taking Joe Cole off his hands. And Andy Carroll. And no, I’m not interested in Ian Ayre.

10. John W. Henry: I resolve to never, ever, make another mock-umentary with Fox unless Liverpool wins something big or I am drunk after winning something big. Ever. I promise, although I do have this script in front of me called “The Point of No Return” regarding Damien Comoli’s transfer policy that looks interesting…

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One thought on “Liverpool’s New Year’s Resolutions

  1. I forgot my New Year’s Resolution… it’s to only wear the brand new LFC jersey my brother Tim got me every other day. And to remember to wash it at least once a week.

    Like

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